Looking for input/criticism

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wataru14
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Looking for input/criticism

Post by wataru14 »

A few months ago I completed a Suikoden-based D&D game that I had been running for close to three years. I have recently been trying to write the events of the game down as a fanfiction, but then I thought "why don't I treat it as if it was a video game and write it down as a sort of game script?" So here is my first attempt at doing so. Criticism and input is welcome.

This is set in an original kingdom on the Western continent about five years after Suikoden 2. There are some returning characters and locations from the other games, but none appear here. The three main characters in this half chapter (Eponine, Desmond, and Wevan) were three of my PCs. Desmond has a Scottish accent. Pics of the named characters can be viewed by clicking on their name when it first appears.

NOTE: This is quite long...
NOTE 2: The pic of Eponine was drawn by the player. The others are from other sources gleaned (stolen) from online. Other than Desmond and Wevan I don't know what they are originally from.

Part one of CHAPTER 1: Eponine

[A set of large wooden double doors open into the great hall of an old (but comfy looking) castle. The hall is abuzz with activity (maids scurrying about, chefs carrying large trays and pots in and out, etc.) Various banners are being hung from the upper gallery. Two workmen are high up on a ladder hanging the final one near the central staircase. All of this is being overseen by JULIAN, a slight middle-aged man with a stern face and the joyless movements of a longtime administrator. Entering from the open double doors is EPONINE, a young, optimistic, and dutiful elven girl.

JULIAN (to a maid): “You there! Those silks are for the Raj’s bedding! They came all the way from Zexen. Do not let them drag on the floor like that!
[Two chefs cross by him carrying a bushel of onions]
JULIAN (to the chefs): “Are those onions?!?! The cardinal is allergic to onions! Why are these here? Get rid of them immediately!!”

EPONINE: “Did you need to see me, Master Julian?”

JULIAN (still looking after the chefs): “What do you want?!?!?” [He turns to sees who it is] “Oh, it’s you, Eponine. Where is the princess? The guests for the state dinner will be arriving this afternoon and that dressmaker won’t leave me alone. He says he needs to get her fitted for her gown right away.”

EPONINE:
- Choice: “I’m not sure, Master Julian. I think might be at lessons with Master Wevan.”
JULIAN: “Wevan?!?! That charlatan. If the princess wasn’t so fond of him I’d have turned him out on the street years ago.”
- Choice: “So what do you want me to do about it? Find her yourself.”
JULIAN: “Mind your tongue, girl. I am the castle administrator. I am the one who pays your salary. Childhood friend of the princess or not, I will not be disrespected by my employees.”

JULIAN: “In any case, I need you to find her and bring her back here immediately. If I don’t get her to that dressmaker the man will never give me a moment’s peace to get the preparations complete. He’s in the queen’s chamber right now or else I’d be having to deal with him as well as all these incompetent servants.”

EPONINE:
- Choice: “Of course, Master Julian. I’ll bring her here immediately.”
JULIAN: “Good. See that you hurry.”
- Choice: “Maybe the stress is finally getting to you. You should think about retiring.”
JULIAN: “Nonsense. I’ve been dealing with flighty artistic types like him since you were still in diapers. I haven’t met the one yet who can get the best of me. Now hurry up!”

[JULIAN looks up at the workmen hanging the banner]

JULIAN: “What are you doing?!?! That is the coat of arms of Lakehollow University! It is the most prestigious seat of learning on the continent. Do not treat its banner like some kind of hand-me-down dustruffle! Oh my god! YOU’VE HUNG IT UPSIDE DOWN!!!!! Get that down at once and turn it around!”

[JULIAN kicks a nearby table and howls in pain. He staggers back and falls into a washtub that two maids are using to scrub the floor. EPONINE can move freely around the castle. On the first floor, she can visit the front courtyard, the Blacksmith, the Runemaster, the Armory, the Hardware Store, and the kitchens.]

VARIOUS SERVANTS:
- “They say dignitaries are coming from all over the country to the State Dinner tonight. Master Julian says everything has got to be perfect!”
- “It’s been 15 years since Queen Lorenthia and Princess Rhiannon came here seeking asylum. It was so good of King Adam to take them in.”
- “The King and Queen got married less than a year after she came here from Farthingane. Prince Michael came along about a year later.”
- “The queen and the princess have been fighting a lot recently. Prince Michael is taking it pretty hard.”
- “Princess Rhiannon loves her half-brother dearly. They are so much alike you’d think they were True Siblings!”
- “They say the Raj of Far Prajat is a Rakshasa. I hear those are terrible monsters that eat people! Why would someone like that be coming here?”
- “Headmaster Nezzbit of Lakehollow is really old. My cousin attends classes there and she says he sometimes falls asleep in the middle of his lectures!”
- “Cardinal Simon is so dashing and handsome. It’s strange for someone so young to be such a high-ranking church official.”
- “I really respect Queen Baldaire. She’s a shrewd leader and has been undefeated in the Stonehold Tournament Melee 10 years running. There isn’t another dwarf alive who can match her!”
- “Abbess Grulsen cannot come herself. The Abbott or Abbess cannot leave the Holy City while in office. The cardinal has to attend all diplomatic functions instead.”
- “Sir Bernard is so serious. But he has reason to be. Pirate raids have been hurting the coastal towns in his domain pretty heavily. His people are terrified.
- “At State Dinners, one seat at the High Table is ceremonially left empty for the Shogun of Suwa. The Shoguns have been invited for 200 years but they always refuse the invitation. I wonder why.”

[Upon reaching the second floor, EPONINE encounters DESMOND, a scruffy unshaven human man in his late 30s who wears a white karate uniform and blue tabard.]

DESMOND: “I was watching from the balcony. I thought Julian was going to have a heart attack! Hahaha!”

EPONINE: “We haven’t had a State Dinner this big since I’ve been in the kingdom. He’s under a tremendous amount of pressure.”

DESMOND: “Some people take their jobs too seriously. That headmaster is … what? 200 years old? 300? Hahaha. Do you think he’ll notice that the place settings only have five forks instead of seven? And that Dwarf Queen will probably be wearing her platemail to the table. She doesn’t seem like much of a stickler for formality.”

EPONINE: “You’re just upset that she drank you under the table last time she came to the capital.”

DESMOND: “Aye, and sang bawdier tavern songs as well. But I’ve been practicing nonstop since that day for our rematch. I’ve learned some new ditties that could make even the likes of her blush. Hahaha.”

EPONINE: “She’s single, too, so I hear. Maybe you should press a marriage suit. She seems quite fond of you.”

DESMOND: “She’s too much woman for me to handle. And besides, you know my heart belongs to another.”

EPONINE (melodramatically): “You flatter me, Sir Desmond, but I could never forsake my duties to the princess to go flitting off with her bodyguard. People would think I am a wanton woman. Oh, the scandal!”

DESMOND: “Hahaha. Aye. Scandal it would be, and my beloved would flay me alive if she found out.”

EPONINE: “Yes, your sweet Zexen maid. She must be quite a woman for you to have remained faithful to her all these years.”

DESMOND: “She is, love, she definitely is. Best damn woman I ever knew. But enough talk. We must retrieve yon princess before Julian decides to dock my wages even further. Soon I’ll be paying him to work here.”

[DESMOND joins the party. The pair can explore the second floor of the castle and speak to more random servants. The Queen’s chambers and the door at the far end of the hall are both locked. In Princess RHIANNON’s chamber, inspecting the desk near the window reveals a gift box and a letter.]

LETTER: “Dearest niece. I am sorry this gift didn’t come in time for your birthday. But the war effort has been going well. We have won some important victories against the Farthinganeans and I was unable to send it to you until now. Soon we will win back the kingdom that the Farthinganeans stole from us. Please enjoy the telescope. It belonged to your father. – Love, Aunt Amaryllis (P.S. – Don’t let your mother see it. It was very personal to your father and it will cause her unnecessary grief)”

[EPONINE and DESMOND can now access the roof via the formerly locked door at the end of the second floor hall.]

[On the roof is RHIANNON, the princess. She is looking through a telescope on a stand. With her is WEVAN, a human man in his 40’s with bright red hair and moustache.]

WEVAN: “Now, my princess. If you adjust the focus you can clearly see the monastery on top of Dragon Mountain in faraway Suwa. This is the home of the Holy Monk Mikagawa who built the Great Suwan Wall 200 years ago. If you adjust the magnification like so, you should be able to just see the shore of Zelant even farther in the distance. This scope has quite a remarkable range for one so small. The ones my people have made are many times larger and can see all the way to the mountains of Tinto if the lighting conditions are right. The observatory is quite renowned…”

RHIANNON: “Eponine! Desmond! Come look!”

WEVAN: “Ah, my dear friends Eponine and Desmond! How grand of you to come visit me. Have you come to assist me with the princess’ science lessons? I have several marvelous experiments that require four to complete. Now neither of you has the extensive scientific background that I do, but I’m sure you can muddle through well enough to help. Now, I will require a Lightning Crystal, three pairs of sturdy leather gloves, 50 feet of silver filigree…”

EPONINE:
- Choice: “Um, that sounds incredibly dangerous.”
Wevan: “There is some danger in all experiments if they are not done correctly. But you need not fear. I have performed it on multiple occasions…”
Desmond: “And how many lab assistants have you lost in the process? I don’t think that sounds like a good idea.”
- Choice: “Wow, that sounds incredibly fun!”
Desmond: “Are you daft, lass? This madman is liable to blow the entire castle to Kingdom Come!”

DESMOND: “Actually, we came for the princess. Master Julian is looking for her and I’m afraid of what he may do if we don’t get her to him immediately.”

WEVAN: “Ah, my dear friend Master Julian is in need of assistance? You should have simply said so! Come, Princess. Let us accompany these good folk.”

[RHIANNON and WEVAN join the party. When the group re-enters the great hall, the following scene occurs. JULIAN is engaged in conversation with a flamboyant looking man holding a bolt of fabric. The Narcissist theme plays in the background.]

ALEXIS: …and that is why I need to see her immediately! If I can’t make the final alterations at once then the gown will not be ready in time for…

[JULIAN turns and leaves him in mid-sentence.]

JULIAN: “Finally! You’re here! Master Alexis, may I present Her Grace, Princess Rhiannon.”

[ALEXIS walks up to EPONINE.]

ALEXIS: “Dear god! I thought it was going to be bad, but not THIS bad! The hair color is all wrong for the fabric! She’s too tall! And are those callouses on her fingers? Callouses?!?!?! I must have been wicked in a past life to deserve this! Absolutely reprehensible!”

[EPONINE turns a deep shade of purple.]

RHIANNON: “Come now. In Elven society I hear it is a badge of great honor to have callouses on your bow fingers.”

ALEXIS: “Of course. I wasn’t trying to suggest otherwise. But this is a gala event, not the archery range! The measurements I was given were all wrong. I don’t know if I can get the gown altered in time! And look at her posture! How can someone who was raised as a Lady slouch so much? My reputation will be ruined!!!!”

EPONINE:
- Choice: “How dare you?!? … I can’t believe … do you realize …”
- Choice: “I think you are looking for her.”

ALEXIS: “Wait a minute! Oh my god! I am terribly sorry! Forgive my rudeness, dear lady! I did not mean to imply… It’s just that this is such an important event … and there is so much at stake … I simply thought…”

EPONINE:
- Choice: “That’s all right. I understand.”
ALEXIS: “Thank you my dear lady.”
- Choice: “Hmmmph. Well. Fine. But you had best watch your tongue in the future.
ALEXIS: “Again, I apologize, dear lady.”
- Choice: “I suppose all Elves look alike to you?
ALEXIS: “What??? No! I … what I meant to say was…

ALEXIS: “I don’t know what came over me. Sometimes I get so carried away with my work that I can’t control what comes out of my mouth. I have shamed both you and myself.”

RHIANNON: “Well then. Now let’s see this gown of yours.”

[ALEXIS grabs RHIANNON by the hand and drags her out the doors into the hallway. RHIANNON leaves party.]

ALEXIS: “You will absolutely LOVE it. The colors will perfectly compliment your hair. And the shoulders are cut down to here. And…

[THEY disappear.]

WEVAN: “What an odd fellow.”

DESMOND: “Are you all right, lass?”

EPONINE: “I’m fine. Really. I doubt he's worked with many elves. Some people are just oblivious to… wait a minute…”

WEVAN: “What is it, my friend?”

[There are two young maids at the far end of the hall. They are hovering over an end table and seem preoccupied with the large vase on it.]

EPONINE: “Those two maids over there. I don’t recognize them. Do you?”

WEVAN: “No, I don’t.”

DESMOND: “Me neither. And I make it a point to know all the serving staff. Especially when bigwigs are in town.”

EPONINE: “Exactly. Julian would never bring in two new maids for an event like this. There are too many important people coming.”

[The two maids realize they have been spotted. One shoves something inside the vase and then they both slink off down the hall, trying to be inconspicuous.]

EPONINE: “Did you see that?”

DESMOND: “I saw enough. Let’s go!”

[The party follows after them. They stop at the table and inspect the object inside. DESMOND takes out a wrapped oblong package standing on its end.]

EPONINE: “A package? What is this?”

WEVAN: “Do you smell that? Quick! Turn the package sideways! There are chemicals inside. If they fully mix, they will become volatile and explode!”

[DESMOND puts the package down.]

EPONINE: “Did they have any more on them?”

WEVAN: “I couldn’t see, my friend. But I know these chemicals well. They have a distinct and rather pungent aroma. If I come within 20 feet of them I will be able to tell you.”

EPONINE: “We’ve got to catch them before they plant more and blow up the castle!”

WEVAN: “Someone bring this outside immediately. I will dispose of it once we are sure it is safe!”

[A guard grabs the package and runs outside. The party follows the maids down the hall. At the end of the hall is an open door leading to the cellars. The party must deal with low-level random encounters and find the four remaining packages. Once all four are found they can exit the cellar tunnel. It empties out into the kitchen. The room is in disarray and the staff is flustered. The two maids YUKIO and YURIKO) are here.]

DESMOND: “Got you now!”

EPONINE: “There’s nowhere left to run!”

YUKIO: “Run? Why should we run?”

YURIKO: “It is you who should run from us.”

[The two maids throw off their uniforms to reveal their ninja garb.]

YUKIO: “You will pay dearly for interfering. Come, sister, let us play!”

[Boss Battle: YUKIO and YURIKO]

YURIKO: “You have defeated us. Most impressive! Time to retreat, sister.”

YUKIO: “For now. We shall see you all again.”

[YURIKO throws a smoke bomb. When it clears, the two ninja are gone. The head cook, a girl named MIN YUNG brandishes a rolling pin and advances on the party]

MIN YUNG: “What is going on here! Fighting in my kitchen?!?! I am trying to prepare the dinner for tonight and ninja show up! You ruined my soufflé! And look at this place! It’s a wreck!”

EPONINE: “Yes, they were trying to blow up the castle, possibly killing thousands and causing a diplomatic catastrophe that could tear the kingdom apart. But the real victim here is your soufflé.”

DESMOND: “Never forget. We shall rebuild.”

MIN YUNG: “I have no time for sarcasm! I have to completely redo dessert! ... But you are right. I apologize for my rudeness. Here. Please accept this for saving all our lives.”

[She gives the party a Fire Crystal.]

WEVAN: “A fine gift. The gift of magic! Magic is an intriguing phenomenon. We know it exists, but no one has yet devised a way to quantifiably measure it. It is a perplexing…”

MIN YUNG: “Enough of that! Now get out of my kitchen. I have work to do!”

EPONINE: “The princess! Oh my god! The princess! What if there are more ninja and they went after Rhiannon!”

WEVAN: “Egads! You are right! To the Princess!!!”

(end Chapter 1 part 1)
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